It's not very often you get to eulogize a sociopath.

There once was a sprightly mom of four
Who loved her boy and found her girls a bore
A lump on her breast
You can guess the rest
And now she can't mistreat us anymore

Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty we're free at last.

*

Thank you everybody for coming today. All of you had to rearrange your schedules to be here. I can't believe she's gone. Mom would have been so happy to see you all here, though truth be told, she'd be drawing up a list of people who weren't here.

Welcome.

Thank you for coming today. Welcome. Mom would have been so happy to see all of you, and she would make a mental note of everyone who isn't here. Thank you for your indulgence, and thank you for paying your respects. The burial will be at Watson Grove cemetery. Directions are available in the lobby for anyone who needs them. After the burial, please join us for lunch at Beijing Gardens. It's got a great buffet.

*

On behalf of her children and second husband, welcome and thank you for coming today.

Mom's gone. Can't believe it. What more is there to say? We can start with

WHEN LIFE GAVE HER LEMONS, SHE SQUIRTED THEM IN EVERYONE'S EYES!! Except Vic's, of course.

Thank you for coming today. Welcome. [For those of you who don't know me,] I'm Stella Honda, Juliet's daughter from her marriage to Colby and Franklin Honda's wife. Of my siblings, Vic was the closest to her no matter how hard Ellen tried, but I pulled the short straw so I'll speak for her children. The fact Vic was the one closest to her tells you everything you need to know about her success as a mother. Which is not much at all. Vic, Heather, and Ellen, you owe me big time.

There once was a girl named Ellen
Who'd come running when her mom beckoned
She'd wash her mom's dishes
Obey her other wishes
Just so Mom could treat her like a felon

Greetings and welcome. Thank you for coming here today. Mom would have been so happy to see any of you in her place.

*

Thank you for coming. I'm Stella Colby-Honda, Franklin Honda's wife and Juliet's daughter from her marriage to Colby. My mom was one of a kind. After they made my mom, they broke the mold. It's so hard to believe that she's gone.

*

Mom was great and good and just plain stellar. She gave so much of herself.
Everyone wanted to be just like her. It was a privilege and honor to know her. If you weren't sure it was a privilege, she'd tell you it was.

Good afternoon. Good Morning. Thank you for being here. Mom would have been happy to see all of you.

There once was a girl from the land of Old Bay
Whose mom got cancer and passed away
The girl tried to write a speech
Every sentence was a reach
About her mom she had nothing nice to say

*

A lot of people, including people here and whom I talked with today, saw my mom as a generous soul. Let me share a personal story about her generosity.

My mom was generous. Mother was generous. Everybody here today knows that. I will share a story with you.

Mother was generous. Mother possessed a generous spirit. Everybody who knew her agrees.

Good Morning. Thank you for coming. I was talking with some of you before the service, and each of you mentioned Mother's generosity. Charity begins at the home. Let me share a story.

There once was a dame with a teen daughter
Whose chest the dame filled with saline water
The daughter first said please please no
The dame said Ellen don't you know
With bigger breasts the boys will find you hotter

Every time she vomited from chemo it was a reminder from God that He indeed walks with us.

*

Do you know she didn't like most of you? Do you realize that Mother had a put down for almost every person sitting in this room?

I'm Stella Honda, Franklin Honda's wife and Juliet Smith's daughter from her marriage to Colby Valentine. Juliet saw me as nothing more than a useful prop in her life. Which is how she saw you, and you, and you, and everyone else here today. Even you, Lance.

Thank you for coming anyway.

*

Mother's gone. Sweet Mother, cheerful Mother. I can't believe she's gone. She did things her own way; she might tackle a problem in an unorthodox way, but once she was done, it seemed like her way was the only way to do it. I know God called her home, and we should accept it. But today, the birds chirp a little less brightly. Life is a little bit grayer. And in our souls, the flags droop at half-mast. My mother was a force of nature, a queen. People who never knew her, people who live on the opposite side of the world felt the ground beneath their feet tremble, and felt a vague despair that could not be explained. Everyone she came into contact with, from her colleagues at the community center to the germs beneath her feet, were ennobled by that contact. I don't think it's exaggerating to say that everyone in this room looked up to her, idolized her, prayed to become her.

*

Mother is gone. We can all agree that she was one of a kind, her own person. Sweet Mother, cheerful Mother. There are so many stories I can share about her that

There are so many stories about her good deeds. I can't believe

*

There once was a couple named Colby and Juliet
Who were madly in love long after they met
Then Colby's mind capsized
Nobody was surprised
When there was a new couple named Lance and Juliet

As inconvenient as death, she'd say.

*

Good Morning. Greetings and welcome. Thank you for coming today. A good friend likes to use the term "as inconvenient as death." I appreciate the great pains all of you took to be here today. All of you have put your schedules on hold to be here. [You're] Your thoughtfulness is an awesome and terrific force. If it takes us a while to talk you, know that we will never forget your thoughtfulness during this period of transition.

[Mother is gone.] My mom is gone. We can all agree that she was one of a kind, her own person. Sweet, cheerful Mom. There are so many stories I can share about her that There are so many stories to share about her. Stories that illustrate her generosity, enthusiasm, sense of humor, and sense of purpose. But that would take too much time. Anyway, I cannot think of a more fitting tribute to her than for each of us to take a few minutes to remember her as she exactly was.

Thank you for paying your respects.

*

Mother is gone. I still can't believe it. I cannot think of a more fitting tribute to her than for each of us to take a few minutes to remember her as she exactly was.

*

Good Morning. A friend of mine is fond of the phrase, "as inconvenient as death." I always thought it was crass, but she has a point. Death is inconvenient. All of you had to rearrange your lives be here today. Some of you traveled from out-of-state. Some of you took a day off from work. Some of you cancelled lunch dates. One person rescheduled a meeting with her wedding planner. I appreciate the sacrifice each of you made. Thank you for being here.

Your generosity and affection have touched my siblings and me deeply. We cannot thank you enough. Please know that we will always cherish your thoughtfulness during this time. Each of you is a reminder from God that He always walks with us.

*

Life is a fragile and precious gift. Ellen can finally live hers.

*

My mom is gone. We can all agree that she was one of a kind, her own person. Sweet Mother, cheerful Mother. My mother was a queen, a force of nature. She had a presence, she charged any room she entered. I think there are a few people here who can testify to her generosity. I can tell so many different stories about her.

*

Good Morning. A friend of mine is fond of the phrase, "as inconvenient as death." I always thought it was crass, but she has a point. Death is inconvenient. All of you had to rearrange your lives to be here today. Some of you traveled from out-of-state. Some of you took a day off from work. Some of you cancelled lunch dates. I appreciate the sacrifice each of you made. Thank you for being here.

Your generosity and affection have touched my siblings and me deeply. We cannot thank you enough. Please know that we will always cherish your thoughtfulness during this time. Each of you is a reminder from God that He always walks with us.

My family is not the only one that's lost someone recently. I want to acknowledge that. Let's reflect on what a fragile and precious gift life is. Let's take a moment to remember all of those we've lost over the last year.

Thank you for your indulgence, and thank you for paying your respects. The burial will be at Watson Grove cemetery. Directions are available in the lobby for anyone who needs them. After the burial, please join us for lunch at Beijing Gardens.

[Done. Copy to notecard.]

There once was a girl named Ellen
Whose mom mistreated poor little Ellen.
Her sister one day said, "Mom treats you so mean,
"And the things she does border on obscene,
But there's no space in my home for you, Ellen."

No forgiveness but through misery.